humour

Nighttime Antics

My husband looked at me this morning with a mixture of fear, concern and amusement. The fact that he had something he wanted to say to me was obvious and so I asked him what was up.

Here’s what he had to say;

Last night,  I came to bed late. You were already asleep and although I tried to get into bed quietly, I apparently disturbed you.

You sat bolt upright in bed at the first hint of my movement and yelled; “There are too many people in the muppets!!”Then you laid back down closed your eyes, and went right back to sleep.

Carrie, It was literally the single most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen.

“Omg!” I said; “What if I’m mentally unstable and I just don’t realise it?”

“Oh you’re unstable,” he replied, “but it’s nothing to do with your late night muppets obsession.” 😳

So, my question to you is, are there any dream interpreters out there want to take a shot at the chaos in my head?

Umbrella Honour System?

screen-shot-2016-10-21-at-19-29-03This is the umbrella stand at The Locale at New Lambton. If you’ve been there on a rainy day you’ve seen it.

The other day we were leaving the cafe after eating their delicious chicken pumpkin salad lunch and it was raining. My husband proceeded to pull an umbrella from the stand and open it.

“Is that yours?” I asked incredulously, (Knowing full well it wasn’t).

“No, why?” he answered.

“You can’t just take one!” I responded, horrified.

“Yes I can.” he said, “That’s what they’re for!”

After much back and forward conversation I figured out that he genuinely thought those buckets placed out for wet umbrellas, were in fact some kind of umbrella honour system whereby you took one when you needed it and put it in another bucket elsewhere when you were done!

I have no idea HOW many umbrellas he has stolen over the years (and left in random places), thinking he was a part of some wonderful share system but he assures me it is less than 10.

For those of you who have come out of a restaurant and found your umbrella gone over the years, take heart, it wasn’t some asshole hell bent on ruining your day, it was my clueless husband.

Cleaner With Attitude

B0220000WH0000007620505050405BLRE00AFA,cleaner-with-attitudeThe other half thinks we have the worst cleaner in the world.

He says she takes gross advantage of our kindness (I tend to throw in more money than charged so she likes us and doesn’t clean the toilet bowls with our toothbrushes) and he doesn’t think she has a very good work ethic.

Here’s a few things our cleaner has said to me in the past 3 months:

I didn’t clean down there, that was too low.”

“I didn’t clean in there (the laundry), because the dog sleeps there.”

Because it was a quick clean you only owe me $85, but let’s just make it an even $100 for all the running around I had to do today.” (She had to come to my home as well as her 2 other jobs that day. She usually only has one other job. I did not create her schedule on this particular day, she did.)

“I can’t come on Monday morning, I’m planning a sleep in since I am having a big weekend.”

And in the last 4 weeks she has missed the following items that I’ve had to clean:

Dust coffee table twice, lamp table twice, wood shutters in kids bedroom, bedside tables in master, bookcase, (and best of all) vacuum the whole guest bedroom; which if the quantity of dog hair all over it was any indication, had not even been looked at in weeks. (She ‘forgets’ to do some things sometimes.)

I get it, we all make mistakes but if I’m paying you for a job how many things can you ‘forget’ every week that I have to deal with myself and you still get your full $$ amount?

Our problem is we had the best cleaner in the world before this one. We had her for years and she was like part of the family, we all loved her, but we moved and she’s too far away now. I’m just not so sure we’ve been spoiled and no other cleaner would ever be able to measure up, or if our expectations are too high.

So tell me, what do you think of my cleaner conundrum?

What the NSW Storms Taught Me About Old People

antique-radioMy 91 year old grandmother was more prepared than I was for the NSW Storms of 2015.

I cannot even express to you how shocking this was to me. We are constantly trying to get her to get with the times, you see she lives alone and so we worry about her safety.

Here’s how the storms went for her:

  • She had a finger dial phone plugged into the wall and it worked perfectly well with no electricity. She was able to contact whomever she wanted, whenever she wanted.
  • She used her battery powered radio (that she calls ‘the wireless’ which is ironic given I didn’t have any) providing her up-to-date news by the minute. This also availed her with enjoyable music to listen to while she was stuck indoors.
  • She cleaned her teeth with a regular toothbrush. A toothbrush she has to rotate herself with her 91 year old arthritic hands to get the job done.
  • She had practical long-burning candles and matches in her very old ‘spare cupboard.’
  • She had hot water bottles and used them at night to keep her warm after boiling water on her gas stove.

In contrast, we in all our technological glory could not use a phone due to mobile service being out, and our ‘landline’ being a cordless handset that needs power to work. We had no contact with anyone at all and could do nothing about it.

There was no enjoyable music or news updates because the the radio apps on our iphone, ipad and computers were not working due to internet being down. In the event the the internet was working we wouldn’t have had power to power them anyway. With no radio we had zero contact with the outside world. We literally would not have known if the world had imploded.

We had no ability to clean our teeth properly because the Sonicare electric toothbrush needs power to charge and work correctly and without its electric function it’s bristles are too soft and small to be of much use at all.

We had candles available (the pretty, smelly kind) with one of those lighter guns that ran out of gas the very first night. We had no backup matches to light our candles.

We were cold. We had no hot water bottles and no way of keeping warm other than blankets and body heat and given we had no showering facilities, body heat wasn’t appealing.

In a nutshell this storm turned our lives upside down for the 3 days we were impacted by it. She on the other hand seemed completely unfazed.

Food for thought: For all our technological advances, when the world goes to hell in a hand basket as it did for those of us in the hunter during the storms, you might want your great grandma around to help you out of a jam.

What the Newy Storm Taught Me About Kmart

Kmart_no_tagrgbDay 3 without power, phone, hot water. The first day it was almost fun, but it’s pretty much been all downhill from there.

A few months ago my rugrat begged me to take him camping and I told him I would one day. I was totally lying so used this natural disaster as an opportunity to tell him living like we are is like camping so my promise had been fulfilled.

He told me it wasn’t like camping at all, it was like the power had gone out. It was as close to camping as he’s ever going to get.

Eating awful cold food from a tin by torchlight and playing annoying board games while wearing a blanket and shivering from the cold pretty much sums up my one camping experience and last Tuesday night and it’s something I don’t ever want to repeat.

Day two was annoying but I kept reminding myself and the rest of the household about those less fortunate, trying to be grateful for what we do have and staying upbeat. It’s now day three and I’d empty my bank account and giveaway my kids for a hot shower.

There’s great resorts a stones throw away in the Hunter where for a small fortune I could have hot water, free wifi and a massage to boot. Unfortunately when I suggested this to the other half he told me to harden the fuck up so I guess thats off the table.

Last night was our second night at home sans power, just the family and board games. By 9:45 I was ready to dig out my own eyeballs so decided to take a trip to see what is actually open at that hour. The answer was Kmart!

I haven’t stepped foot in a Kmart for at least 2 decades. To put it in perspective I was in my teens. My memories of Kmart were of bad clothes and cluttered isles of plastic buckets, potted plants and cheap toys. I really have no idea whether thats accurate or not, but it was my perception.

Let me tell you, Kmart has changed. It was awesome! I got 2 incredible scarves for $7 each. A heavy duty iPhone 6 case for $7, mouse pad for the little rugrats desktop was $5, a book and sloppy t-shirt perfect for lazing about the house. I mean I can’t tell you the last time I had that much fun spending under $50.

I will be going back. Their home collection of baskets and pots and storage items was phenomenal and I intend to make use of it. All in all it was a great way to kill an hour on a weeknight in the middle of a storm.

Leaving the store threw a bit of a dampener on the fun when some 12 year old store clerk (they all seem so young) accosted me after I left the self checkout and demanded to see the inside of my shopping bag along with docket as proof I had paid for it all.

He seemed almost disappointed it all checked out and I left feeling a little bit violated, but then it was a Wednesday night so that was par for the course in my life anyway.

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