If You Put Lipstick on a Dog, It’s Still a Dog

TherapistMy sister had some specialised dog food for her dog delivered to my place a few weeks back, because I work from home and can easily take deliveries.

Forgetting this fact, I opened the packaged before I realised what it was. Since it was open anyway, I threw an organic lipstick into the box, still new in its cardboard package.  I had tried it and didn’t like the colour on me, I figured if she liked it she could have it.  A few days later she picked up the box and inevitably I forgot to mention the lipstick I’d thrown in.

Fast forward a few weeks…

She and her family were over for a summer BBQ at our place, and during our conversation she mentioned that the new ‘natural’ dog food company had the best deals on specialised dog food and really took the natural thing the whole way, because they had given her a free lipstick as well! At least she figured it was for her she mused… surely it wouldn’t be for the dog, right?

It was literally half an hour before she realised my hysterical laughter wasn’t about the absurd fact that she thought the lipstick might be for the dog, it was about the fact that they hadn’t sent her a lipstick with her dog food (are you crazy?), it was me! 

Best. Laugh. Ever.


My Grandma’s Photos Are With Jesus


My grandmother was asking me to retrieve her saved images on her iPhone (love a 90-something year old techie!) and was trying to explain to me where they were:

‘They’re up with Jesus;” she said.

I was perplexed… “Um… grandma, you’re still with us, neither you nor your photos are with Jesus yet.”

“Yes, yes they are” she sighed, exasperated by my idiocy, “that Apple company put them there, up with Jesus!” My blank stare further infuriated her.

It took my 9 year old to explain what she meant to me. “Mum, she means the iCloud!” “Yes” Grandma yelped, “with Jesus, up in the clouds!”

I’m still laughing hours later….

I Was Named After My Fathers Ex and My Mother Just Found Out

e9972Here’s the thing.  My father wanted to call me Carrie and my mother loved the idea. It might be the only time in history they agreed on such a momentous decision. It was decided, sealed and conformed in black print on the pale pink birth certificate.

Throughout the years my mother would sporadically mention the song ‘Carrie‘ by Cliff Richard (she was a huge fan) and tell me I was named after this song. I just assumed it was so, and felt a little bit proud. Being named after a song is cool, I thought. (Ignoring the fact that Cliff Richard was really only cool to the religious 30-something housewife set.)

It all sounded innocent enough to me so I never investigated any further.

Until the news of his home being searched by police for suspected sexual abuse came out recently, and catching up with my parents for dinner one night it came up. I mentioned the being named after the song and my father looked at me like I had two heads.

“You weren’t named after that song” he scoffed, “It was written years after you were born!” My mother and I both looked at each other in shock, she protesting vehemently that I was creatively named after such a romantic and mysterious song.  (Carrie seemed to have been murdered and never found if you read the lyrics. I’m not sure what I think of that, but I guess it’s neither here nor there given the situation now.)

She recalled him suggesting the name and she liking it and them agreeing on it together. He agreed with her recollection and then was silent. Leading her to ask (of course) where he came up with the name.

“I dated this girl before I married you” he began slowly; “She was such a nice girl and she ended up being a champion swimmer, I just really admired her….” he trailed off.

They stared at each other with the kind of silence that you know is speaking volumes and I got up and left the room.

Turns our ‘Carrie’ was written in 1983, almost a full decade after I was born. No doubt this will do wonders for my mother and my already precarious relationship.

Thanks dad.

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